Matt McCloskey, one of my best friends and a brilliant man, eloquently spilled his guts here in an exploration of his pursuit of music as a career in order to pursue his heart, regardless of outcome or “success” as defined by society. I was deeply moved and challenged by his post, so I wrote a response that, initially, was to be posted as a comment to his thoughts. After reading it though, I wanted it to be read by everyone in case anyone wants to discuss.
These paragraphs struck me:
“So maybe comfort should be priority. But I don’t give a damn about comfort. I’ve been comfortable, and I’ve been in pain. There’s no difference. There’s no difference that matters. Maybe some other discipline that I’m good at should be the priority. Maybe design, or web development, or writing, or producing, or directing movies, or acting, or mowing fucking lawns. I mean, I’m pretty damn good at edging a driveway. But I’m already bored.”
So why do I want music be priority? I think it goes back to suffering. It’s about “being on to something.” It’s about feeling alive. Some people do drugs. Some people jump out of airplanes. Some people act like assholes. Some people go to church. We want to feel alive. We want to feel. It’s why we love art in the first place. It’s not that I want music to be my priority. I want being alive to be my priority. I want to live. I want to be. I want to feel.
My father has been a counselor all of my life, and all of his adult life. Growing up I never looked at that as his job. I looked at that as who he was. He wasn’t a counselor because that was what provided. He was, and is, a counselor because that is what he is. Provision or not. Who are you? What do you do? These are the most basic and most important questions we can ask ourselves. And the answers require no searching.We know who we are. What we do very rarely reflects that.
My response, primarily to the first paragraph:
Matt,
Your words have weighed heavily on my shoulders since I read them a week ago. Here are my thoughts on yours.
Comfort is defined as “a state of being relaxed and feeling no pain.” Pain is defined as “suffering or distress.” By definition, one cannot exist without the other. They are perfect opposites. Consequently, the pursuit of comfort is simply striving to eradicate pain, which is an anomaly in and of itself, as “striving” requires strife, which is, by definition, painful. Therefore, it would seem as though there can never be a true, express choice between comfort and pain. As Newton’s Law of Motion states, “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” and I feel that applies to these two as well as any. Both motion and emotion can be defined by a “movement or stirring.” Simply, If you choose one, the other has to follow eventually, equally.
I do believe, however, that you can decide how to distribute and prioritize your inevitable comfort and pain.
For instance, if you chose right now to give up music in order to make more money and forego the intense initial struggles of a career in music, your day-to-day life would immediately be easier. Less stress, more money, more spare time, etc… one might call these benefits comfort. These comforts, with good management, would long-lasting, but at what cost? Over time, as you’re an avid listener to your own heart, the dissatisfaction and utter boredom with life would begin to outweigh such “comfort.” I imagine your neglected heart would scream silently that all is lost at that point, and if you didn’t already own a motorcycle, you’d surely go out and buy one.
On the other, more likely hand, you could choose to fight it out and pursue music. It will be hard, painful, stressful, time-consuming, rewarding, life-giving, and satisfying. Maybe you’ll win a Grammy, or sell 30 million records and tour the world 7 times over. Maybe you’ll only play in Austin coffee shops for the rest of your life. Rest assured though that you will feel. Good, bad, high atop the world, trodden underfoot… In the end, you WILL, no matter your societal success, be able to look back at your life and take comfort in knowing that you listened to your heart, and made decisions to be who you are.
Equal pain, equal comfort, just prioritized and distributed differently.
As you no doubt agree, it seems to me there would be no simpler choice than the latter, and I’ve never known you to be afraid of anything. I hope you find this as encouragement… not that you’re floundering or anything.
Love ya.
Evan
Now, dearest friends and readers, I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts on the matter.
Man… I agree with most of what both of you are saying, and I’ve wrestled with the same questions. I think that part of choosing pain over comfort for the simple sake of being able to say to yourself, “That was hard, and I’m still here”, is a testament to the kind of people we are trying to be. I also think it may have something to do with our own relationships with our parents and their own values that were passed to us.
As I’ve grown (barely as it seems most of the time) into an adult, my parents and I have discussed my decisions on music and careers. The comforts of everyday life have always appealed to me, as I grew up in a house that had them. But my parents were never ones to try and gain wealth or status. My dad has always wanted to be a full-time minister and my mom has always wanted to be an educator and counselor. I’d hardly call those lucrative career choices. But for two people who taught me to value relationships above all, they’ve touched and impacted thousands of lives. I’ve found that for me the most important way for me to do that is connecting with an audience. If that’s in a living room or in front of thousands of people, I’ve always gone to sleep that night feeling like a million dollars. If what makes you feel “alive” or loved or fulfilled is playing music or mowing yards it will merely be the WAY you connect to others. That connection with them always makes whatever you’re doing worth it.
Evan, thanks for giving me a glimpse at someone else who shares my values and struggles. This blog has blessed me.
Matt, I’ve never met you, but I’ve listened to your music. Keep plugging away at what helps you feel alive, brother.
Gools